As Christmas grows closer and the nights draw in, the old adage begins to resurface – women should not go out alone after dark, they should stick with people they know, who can protect them from strangers. Yet while usually well intentioned, such maxims hide a much darker truth.
The stark reality is that women are far safer walking alone at night than they are at home with their partners and families. Millions of incidents of domestic violence take place in the UK every year, and as many as one in four women and one in six men will be victim to domestic violence at some point in their lives. Schools, parents, and the government go to great lengths to warn of the dangers around us – from drink driving to smoking, even to eating the wrong thing. So why are we told so little about domestic violence?
Researchers investigating the prevalence of domestic violence have found many reasons for the silence around this issue. If society were to truly acknowledge the true extent of the situation, it would become a huge public health concern – not only does domestic violence have a significant effect upon the mental and physical health of both men and women, it also leads to the death of two women every single week. This is not a small problem. Yet the facts are hidden deep beneath the myths that abound in society and the media.
One such myth was exemplified in an interview with Rihanna about the much publicised incidence of domestic violence she experienced at the hands of her boyfriend. The interviewer said that people had been surprised that Rihanna had been a victim of domestic violence, because she had always seemed so strong. Rihanna’s response debunked this myth perfectly - she is strong, and she didn’t choose for it to happen. Domestic violence is never the fault of the victim – whether that victim is male or female, a boyfriend or girlfriend, physically stronger or physically weaker - culpability always lies with the perpetrator.
Nevertheless, perpetrators will often insist that their behaviour was “caused” by their victim. Over time, some victims will come to believe that it is indeed their fault. This is not surprising considering that they are usually spending much of their lives alongside somebody who systematically disrespects and abuses their entire sense of self. Victims can become isolated and cut off from sources of support – they may fear meeting friends due to their partner’s intense jealousy and accusations, and often become depressed as a result of their partner’s behaviour. Such situations can become particularly dangerous around the Christmas holidays, as financial pressures coupled with extended periods of time in one another’s presence can lead to increased levels of abuse.
Domestic violence is rarely, if ever, an isolated incident. It is a systematic abuse of power. When a perpetrator physically attacks their victim, they are not losing control, they are demonstrating their control over the victim. Such an attack is not a moment of madness in an otherwise respectful relationship. It is often the tip of the iceberg, the most salient form of attack in a relationship characterised by emotional, verbal or financial abuse. The perpetrator will employ many other forms of domestic violence on a daily basis – stopping the victim from seeing their friends, controlling their finances, endlessly criticising them, or threatening to harm their children.
As a consequence, domestic violence is well hidden. Perpetrators often behave in caring and considerate ways around their friends and colleagues. This was exemplified in recent literature by the case of a domestic violence perpetrator who behaved calmly around his friends, and even worked to diffuse aggressive situations, yet in private he smashed a glass over his pregnant girlfriend’s head. As such, it is unsurprising that some victims are afraid of being disbelieved if they do decide to speak out. In addition, many victims fear that seeking help will result in even more harm to themselves or their children. They may not have anywhere else to go, especially if their partner controls their finances. The level of governmental provision for victims of domestic violence is woefully inadequate, and most services for such victims are charities. To get an idea of the state of help available for these victims, it is worth considering that a donkey sanctuary in Devon gets more money in donations than the key anti-domestic violence charities put together.
Despite this, the charities which do work against domestic violence, such as Refuge and Women’s Aid, are dedicated and committed. There is now a national, 24 hour free helpline for people experiencing domestic abuse, as well as a number of centres across the country which offer specialist support and advice. Yet domestic violence cannot be eradicated by these charities alone, and thus it is crucial, especially at this time of year, that the media and society leave behind old fashioned myths and misconceptions, and begin to acknowledge the true scale of the issue with clarity and transparency.
